Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: Rediscovering Our True Desires

When we focus on pleasing other people, the irony is that we often fail to please ourselves. We put others' wants, desires, joy, and happiness ahead of our own, driven by a deep-seated need from childhood to feel safe by keeping others happy with us. Our brains link this external validation and approval with our survival. As adults, this habit can hinder our deepest happiness and joy, trapping us in old patterns that urge us to prioritize everyone else over ourselves.

These old perfectionist and codependent stories can keep us stuck. Marion Milner captures this dilemma well: “For what is really easy, as I found, is to blind one’s eyes to what one really likes. To drift into accepting one’s wants readymade from other people and to evade the continual day-to-day sifting of values.” People-pleasing blinds us to our true desires.

This can be especially true for women. We're taught not to make waves by questioning authority, speaking up, arguing a point, or being too loud or too much. Instead, we are praised for being nice, deferring to others, performing acts of service, and looking "put together". This positive feedback encourages us to repeat these behaviors and avoid disrupting the status quo. Consequently, we can lose clarity on our own needs or choose not to express them to avoid inconveniencing others.

Breaking free from people-pleasing requires us to rediscover and honor our own desires. It's about recognizing that our worth isn't tied to others' approval and that our happiness is just as important as anyone else's. By giving ourselves permission to prioritize our needs, we can cultivate a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Hannah Zackney